another year

So I turned around yesterday and realized what a year it has been. A LOT has happened. I was just scanning this blog and realizing that I am horrible about keeping it up. But considering that I have had a lot on my plate, I don't feel as bad. Most of the time I am just glad that my pants are on right. :)

I do have to update an entry from when I blogged about our son being stillborn. I then wrote that he didn't have a name. But that has changed. We decided that he had come and done what needed to be done and that it really was his purpose. We named him Jagger. That was the name we had always planned on. It just feels right. I got a surprise call at Christmas from the hospital that they had pictures of him and they wanted to know if I wanted them. I was very surprised. But very grateful. I was so glad that someone took pictures. It is standard that the hospital does that when a baby is born. But I had said at the time I didn't want any pictures. I totally regretted it later, so it was a little Christmas miracle when I got them. Every once in a while when I decide to clean off the dresser I find them and have myself a little cry. I'd like to say it gets easier with time. It kind of doesn't though. You just kind of get used to it and learn to live with it. You can never get over it though and there is never any closure. If you are reading this and you don't understand how it feels, that is alright. I remember feeling that way. Now that I know, I have a few pieces of advice.

1. When you find out during what was a casual conversation that someone has lost a child, don't change the subject. You may feel awkward, but if you change the subject, it makes the other feel awful. Ask them about the child. Ask if they have a name or something along those lines. You might be uncomfortable, but trust me that it feels so good to tell people when they ask. You will know it is okay to ask if they have included the little angel in their count of children. I don't know why it is taboo. I think we need to change that.

2. Don't patronize. It's really easy to know when people genuinely care about something.

3. Cry with them. It's okay. Don't feel bad. If that person is like me, they are probably grateful to get a little tear out every now and then.

4. Just listen. If that person does want to talk about it, they will probably verbally throw up for about 5 minutes, and it makes it better if you just listen. The best response is that there isn't one. My favorite is "That just sucks." Cause you know what. It does. It makes it worse when people say sorry for me. Then I feel like I need to comfort them and assure them that everything is okay. Best to just say that the situation is a tough one. At least for me that helps.

I have found that these things are the best things to remember. It is never an easy conversation for anyone, but you would be surprised how often it happens to women. I am not sure if it is something that I just notice now since it happened to me, or if it is becoming more common in women my age? I will never know that answer.

I thought I would post some pictures from Jagger's birthday. You may find it weird that we had a mini celebration, but it helps make me feel better. I had 24 hours of labor, I will do what I want. :) Plus, I love him and can't wait to hold him in my arms again someday.

Sea Turtles remind me of Jagger. So we have a small collection of different kinds. I made the blanket. It will be great once winter comes along. :)

"The Ghost Who Walks" HD live full band Video

I love this! It is a little bit of a morbid sort of song but I love the sound! She is great. I googled her and I had no idea she was a super model! She has such great talent and I hope she keeps on pursuing a music career! P.S. She is married to Jack White of the White Stripes.....a group I am like a decade late in discovering but who cares right?

The End is near!

Finally I can say that I absolutely have never been happier to see a semester end in my life! I just want to say how proud of myself I am for not withdrawing, and truly trying my best to finish out the semester. I knew I was going to really regret it if I did.

So.... things I have learned from this..... Basically, never take 17 credits ever again. It is NEVER worth it! At least for me. I am also going to change my major. I am currently studying humanities and religious studies, but I see now that it is not for me. No offense out there to those who love philosophy but I just don't see the point. My new major is going to be elementary education. Say what you want, but I think it will be the best fit for me.

I am not done yet with this hell of a semester, but I can finally see the light! yay! Just a few more million papers to go and I will be done and I can just put it behind me!

Update

So I donated 19 blankets. I actually did this about a month ago, but I just haven't been able to blog about it. It was so great to be able to try and do something for others! Thanks to all who helped'!

A Time To Give Back....

Service.

Nothing helps a healing process better than serving others.

I have decided to donate 50 receiving blankets to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake. I want to donate these by July 12. These need to by 36" x 36" or larger.

Typically these are made out of flannel that can be found at any fabric store and walmart. Preferrably the flannel that has print.

I really need some help on this. If I had all the money in the world, I would buy it all myself. But I know that this project could be done better if I got help from others.

You could help by donating the flannel and I will make them. Or you could also make them and bring them to me and I can get them to the hospital.

I really want to do this. I will make all efforts to do this, and I really do have a goal of 50 blankets and I totally think it is possible and doable.

Please help.

Thanks!

Anali

Welcome to a New World...

Well, Things are going alright. I am starting to feel better, and most days I handle things pretty well.

I went to the doctor's last week to have a follow up appointment. So far things are well. They still don't know what happened, and he said that sometimes there is not an answer for Why. So, I am getting myself used to the knowledge that I will probably never know why. I just need to have the faith that I will be able to see him again.

I thought I understood anxiety before this happened, but a whole new world has opened up to me. It sneaks up on you in the most inopportune times! For instance. Church. Now, I know that right now that is definitely the place I need to be right now. But man, in Utah, where there is about 6 children for every pew, it makes a great breeding ground for an anxiety attack. So, although I had to get up and go out into the foyer, I still was able to stay for the whole time. I had to get up a few times and take some tylenol, but I did get through it. But I was definitely ready to leave by the end! But I'm glad I went.

For those of you who might be wondering what it feels like to have anxiety, I'll let you know from my point of view what it is like for me.
Put yourself into a public place. Like the grocery store. You know what you are there for is down the isle where it seems that everyone else in the world is clamoring for the same thing. You know you need it. But you just stand there. Heart beating harder and harder, and your head starts to pound. Where did that headache come from, you wonder. Then, the longer you stand there the more you notice the quick shallow breathing that you have. Well that certainly is not helping you. But still you debate that this is no big deal and you can see exactly what you need and you are just going to walk over there and ignore everyone and just grab it and then you can be on your merry way..... right. Go ahead, your mind says. Grab it. But your feet refuse to move. If only you could catch your breath. Maybe you do end up getting it and accomplishing the task at hand, or maybe, you just turn the other way and say you will try again later. Either way that is about what it feels like to have a little anxiety.

I always wondered about people with anxiety. I never understood. I always kind of thought that they should just "get over it". I so don't feel that way now. It isn't something that you "just get over". It's more complicated than that. It makes doing simple things more of an issue. Like driving alone on the freeway, going to church, being in a large group of people, having someone ask you rapid fire questions. These USED to be simple and easy tasks for me. Now, I would rather stay home and lose myself in watching America's Next Top Model or something mindless like that (I do love me some ANTM).

But, I am not complaining. I am merely saying that now I understand. I now know what it feels like to have an anxiety attack. It definitely is a whole new world for me. But I know I will be okay. Going through difficult trials will cause a little anxiety. I just wake up every morning and try again. If I don't have a good day the day before, I will go to bed and try again the next day. If it's really going bad, I just stop everything I am doing and go back to my room, say a prayer, and I start all over again. (I have had to do that a few times these past couple of weeks. But it usually works.)

So, to sum it all up. Although we all have to face new changes in dynamics in our lives, it doesn't always have to be a bad thing, and we can choose how we let it affect us. Yes, I didn't have anxiety before, and I have it now, but it isn't going to stop me from trying to live a good and happy life.

I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number. ~Edith Armstrong

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it. ~John Newton

New Beginnings Starting with an End

So much has happened since our anniversary. We were delighted 2 days before Christmas to discover that we were expecting our first child. In January we had our first Ultrasound and we saw this great little thing moving around and having a strong heartbeat. We found out the Gender in April. We were going to have a boy! It was shocking and exciting all at the same time.

Then it all changed. Around May 19 I noticed I hadn't felt the baby move. I was a little worried, but I figured it was only because I had been really busy and I just hadn't noticed. I also wasn't feeling well and I thought that might have been a part of it. Finally on the 21 I decided I had to go to urgent care to see if they could find a heartbeat. I needed some peace of mind.

The night before I prayed. I said to Heavenly Father that if it was his will that this baby had died, then I would accept that, but I would need his help to get through the pain and devastation that it would cause. I am so glad I did that. It reminds me every day that although this has happened to me, I am able to know that Heavenly Father does indeed know who I am and he has a plan for all of us even though we don't fully understand.

I had to go to Timpanogas Hospital because it was right there in Orem where we lived. I had planned on delivering at St. Marks, and I was not expecting to hear the news I was given. After a large attempt at finding the heartbeat, they did an ultrasound and I knew as soon as I saw the picture come up that something was wrong. He just did not look right. Where before he was such a mover, he was so still. The thing I remember the most was his hand. It was the one thing that I could see the best. There was no heartbeat no matter how hard I squinted. The doctor told me he was so sorry but I had lost the baby. But he could not tell me why. Total shock and disbelief for me. And total devastation. 6 months to the day I found out that my baby had died. What I would give for another 3 months. I cried and cried and then underneath it all, I felt this amazing amount of peace. I knew that although this was not what I wanted to hear or go through or have be a part of my life, I knew that I would get through this and that I would be okay.

What a blessing, my doctor was on call that weekend. So, he had me come up to St. Mark's where I was admitted to Labor and Delivery. He came in and also did another ultrasound. There wasn't much fluid surrounding the baby. He couldn't tell me exactly why. Now, my doctor is also my uncle. He happens to be my hero at this point. Why would I say that? Because he saved my mother's life when she delivered my oldest brother. That is the reason I wanted him to deliver my baby in case something went wrong. Well, I am so grateful that I had him there to help me through this experience. I was totally surrounded by family. My husband was amazing support. My brothers and sister in law came to support. Many of you know that my parents live in the Dominican Republic. My dad works there. He was on travels out in the islands for work and my mom was home alone. That was a horrible phone call to make. But my dad got my mom on the first flight out and she got to me just 2 hours after I delivered.

My doctor told me that he was going to have me induced and I was going to deliver. He said it would take about a day. I was terrified and sad and chose to stay in shock. It was easier for me to deal with the fact that I needed to go through labor and deliver a baby. I didn't want to think of the end result. I didn't know if I wanted to hold him. If he would look normal. He was beautiful.

After 24 hours of labor and 15 minutes of pushing, our little Jellybean was born a stillbirth at 15 oz. and he was 10 in. long. He had all ten fingers and all 10 toes. And the thing that I cherish the most was his sweet beautiful nose. Just like his dad. Exactly what I wanted. I held him and cried and cried and I don't think I could have cried harder. My family was there. The nurses took him for a while to get footprints and handprints and other things. When my mom arrived I asked for them to bring him back and she was able to hold him and spend time with him. What a great moment to have been blessed with. After my mom felt she had had her time with him we had the nurses come and they took him for the final time. I asked the nurse if I could have his blanket. I was under the assumption I would leave with nothing and that was a thought that I did not want to face. She told me yes and then left.

After a bit she came back with two beautiful boxes. One has his footprints in clay. The other is larger. It is a memory box that has his blanket, a bear, and his hat. I love those things. They are so precious to have. It was so great to be able to leave with something. All I wanted was his blanket and I got so much more.

I wish this experience on no one, but I cannot say that I am not grateful or blessed. This is something that you always wonder if you could handle. I know now that I am strong enough to lose a child and that I can rely on the Lord to get me through it. I honestly can say that in a way I can understand what Heavenly Father must have felt like losing his son. I can also say that I sort of know what Jesus Christ felt like when he was in the Garden. He went through so much pain for all of us, even though he knew the outcome. I remember feeling angry that I had to endure pain and the outcome was not the pretty picture I had painted in my head. But really, knowing all that pain, I would go back and do it again. Because it was such a bittersweet moment. I had to welcome a boy but say goodbye all at the same time. Nothing can make that go away, but I know that with time I will be able to move forward.

I am grateful for this trial. Before I was feeling I had lost a sense of who I was. Now I know who I am and I know where I am going in life. I feel whole again, even though I have lost a bit of my heart.

We decided we wouldn't name him. We put Baby Boy Haddock on his fetal death certificate. We decided we would save the name for a future boy; if we don't use it, then we can go back and write it in. But I am not worried. I know that one day I will have an opportunity to see him again. I am grateful for an understanding of the great plan of happiness that our Father has laid out for us. I am grateful for the atonement also. I know that as I strive with a desire in my heart to be a good person and to live the life the Lord wants me to live, I will be happier beyond what this life can provide for me. I know that through the atonement I have the opportunity to purify my life and be able to show the Lord that I am willing to accept his will and put my life and my child's life in his hands.

Thank you all so much for all of your prayers and support. It means so much to Jordan and I. We love you all so much.

Footprints
How very softly
you tiptoed
into my world.
Almost silently,
only a moment
you stayed.
But what an imprint
your footsteps
have left upon my
heart.
~Dorothy Ferguson

ANNIVERSARY

Well, here we are one year later, and I have realized what an awful job I have done at keeping up a blog. My journal is even worse.

Yesterday was our anniversary and we had so much fun. First, Jordan woke me up and he made me breakfast. Then we went and saw the movie "Whip It". After that, Jordan took me to my favorite restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory. I love their food! To finish off the night, we went and saw some of our mission friends at a corn maze and then went to Denny's to have some tea and pie! It was so much fun!

I am so happy to married to Jordan. He is such a wonderful man. He is very caring and tries very hard to find ways to provide for our little family. He is always making plans for our future and always trying to make life a little better for me every day! He is so sweet when I am not feeling well and he will go late at night to the store to get me something to eat.

I am so glad I made the decision to marry Jordan, and I am looking forward to the many years ahead of us!

Happy One Year Anniversary Jordan! I love you!

Fatty

So, I've put on a few pounds in the last 6 months. Let's just say, for me, I am either gaining weight or losing it. I just can't seem to hang around a normal range! Ha! Anywho.... It only took one bad picture of me to see that just changing the chips to the salads was NOT going to be enough. I absolutely hate going to the gym by myself. So, I took a little initiative and got online and found a 4 week plan. I figure I will start with the four week plan and then move on up in life. The thing that bugs me is, why would I pay 30 dollars to find out how I can lose weight in a short amount of time. I mean, anyone could do that. It is so annoying. They tell you everything but the thing that they did to lose the weight.
Well, I got tired of trying to get it all in one place, so first, I said a prayer to chill myself out. Then I found a site that would map out a 4 week at home plan. I was a little confused with it when it came to meal plans, and I got very annoyed about it, so I decided that I would just go with the workout and look up some tips on how I could eat healthier. I'm glad I did that because a couple of weeks ago I started to drastically change my diet. (Having a tight budget will do that sometimes.) After I read about the tips, I realized that I was already doing most of it, and I could actually add more to my diet.
Has it helped me feel less fat... no, but the workout officially starts on Monday, and so, I am hoping by the end of I will be able to get back down to how I normally feel. I know I am not fat, but I have gained enough weight that I am uncomfortable, and ornery. So, I think that for the sake of my emotional well being, along with the physical, it is time to get my healthy on.

10 Things I have learned watching 5 seasons of Law and Order: Criminal Intent in 2 weeks.

10. If a famous person is around, you can count on them being the killer.
9. All stupid people are SOBs.
8. A whole crime case can be summed up in the end with a one liner. (i.e., "You were right, there is never enough truth.... Or enough justice.", and "Try explaining to them how a mother could have done this to their daughter...Well they are parents, they understand, that's what makes it worse.", etc.)
7. People take you more seriously if you shake your head in disbelief.
6. "Schizophrenics make great witnesses"
5. People who take pictures of other people usually end up dead within the hour.
4. Children of criminals are "ungrateful little [insert word here]" according to the parents.
3. It takes one to know one...
2. How not to dispose of a body....
1. I know no more about the law than I did two weeks ago.